Geiko of Miyagawa: Kyo Odori Finale

Maiko-han of Miyagawa: Kyo Odori Finale

宮川町の舞妓はん：京をどりの「宮川の音頭」

Excerpt from the 57th Annual Kyo Odori Program:

The long cold winter gives way at last to the arrival of spring in the ancient capital of Kyoto, and the Kyo Odori is always a welcome and colorful addition to this flower-filled season.

Famous for their beauty, the geisha and maiko of Miyagawa-cho grace the Kyo Odori stage to offer lively, fun, and elegant portrayals of seasonal culture, local flavor, and stories that developed in places throughout Kyoto...

Time always seems short,but we hope that the seven scenes of this year's performance, Seasonal Glories of the Capital, will provide a sense of the tradition and beauty embodied in the local performing arts.

Kimika's Beautiful Kimono

君香の美しい着物

Kimika strikes a pose during a peice entitled "Colorful Scenes of Kyoto," showing off the breath-taking yuzen design on the long, flowing sleeves of her kimono. Kimika is a young maiko, or apprentice geiko, in Miyagawa-cho, one of Kyoto's Gohanamachi (literally 5 Flower Towns), or geiko entertainment districts. (57th Annual Kyo Odori).

Suri Holmes Cruise on Myspace!

Yes, it's true..even though she is only a few days old, cannot read, write or even lift her head up, Suri Holmes Cruise has a profile on myspace. She details her penchant for Gangsta Rap and the truth about her mommy and daddy!

Head on over to www.myspace.com/suriholmescruise and add her, otherwise she will set Xenu on you!

The many faces of the Lohan

I didn't think it was possible for someone to make such a huge transformation in the space of one week..I guess I was wrong...



Here is The Lohan looking like a drugged out Harijuku serial killer..



..and then a few days later looking the best she has in years leaving a photoshoot..

She is like Jeckyll and Hyde..if Jeckyll was a freakish imp like creature that wore animal ears..and Hyde was a fiery haired voluptuous love goddess...

I don't know if I am frightened or turned on..kind of like the time that Barbara Walters offered to give me a back massage..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOUR MAJESTY!

How could I have forgotten? Yesterday was the Queen's 80th birthday..Like all British people I take the Queen's birthday very seriously...I dress in a Tuxedo all day, bake her a cake and wrap presents for her. Then in the evening I dress up in a tiara and a shawl, pretend that inanimate objects around my home are members of the royal family and open all the presents and eat the entire cake myself while sitting in my bathtub.

I am then invariably very ill and realise that I have just engaged in transvestism while talking to a ceiling fan that I was convinced was Princess Anne

For some reason I repeat this hideous and mentally disturbing tradition every year..and since I forgot yesterday you know what that means...

Yes I am dressed as an 80 year old woman, eating Angel Food cake batter in my bathtub..

Don't judge me..

Touge & The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

Tokyo-Style Touge 峠 Drifting to a Theatre Near You

Watch the the trailer for Tokyo Drift!

Ever heard of Touge (pronounced toh-gay)? Doubtful, but the chances are you've heard of drifting. If not, you're about to get a crash course a la Hollywood: Fast and furiously. Quickly catching on in the States and abroad, this new racing craze's roots run deep through the twisiting, turning, roads of Japan. Touge itself refers to the mountain passes that wind their way through the mountainous terrain of the Japanese archeapelago.

Drifting is the controlled loss of traction, causing a car to appear as though it is out of control. Nothing, however, could be further from the truth. A good drifter is in control of his car at all times, easily taking on five or six opposing turns without traction, at speeds of over 80mph, cutting angles of 45 degrees or more. As if that isin't potentially dangerous enough, in tougue, this is all done with the loving embrace of a wall of rock to one side and the comfort of a sheer drop off a cliff on the other. In a battle, the lead car wins if the gap between the cars increases -- the following car wins if the gap stays the same from start to finish.

"How?" You ask? In the words of Keiichi Tsuchiya, the one and only Drift King, and inspirational model for the main character in the popular manga series, Initial D (Kashiramoji D):

"You brake and then turn the wheel, step on the clutch, and pull the e-brake. Release the e-brake, go into countersteer mode, then wait. Wait until you know the car is facing the corner exit direction. then you smile and slam on the gas as you exit the corner."

There you go. Easy as that!

Thus the mission to infiltrate the scene begins...

Orlando Bloom is this close to being a cold blooded killer...

Ok, so Orlando Bloom can't drive. Apparently he nearly killed a scooter rider during a collision on Monday. According to contactmusic:

"THE LORD OF THE RINGS heart-throb was driving in London on Monday morning (17APR06) when he reportedly pulled out in front of swimming instructor SLAWOMIR SZYDLOWSKI, who was riding his motorcycle. Swimming instructor Szydlowski, 28, says, "It's only good luck that I'm here to tell the tale. He can't have looked in his mirrors. I flew off and hit the ground hard, rolling three times. If there'd been a car coming the other way, I'd be dead."

How did Orlando apologize...maybe ride along to the hospital to see if he was ok? Buy him a new motorbike? Pay his medical bills?Hell, even slip him some cash? ...NO...HE GAVE HIM HIS FREAKIN AUTOGRAPH!!!

"When an ambulance arrived to whisk Szydlowski, who suffered deep cuts and internal bleeding, to hospital, Bloom jumped in the back and scribbled a note saying, 'Sorry mate!' and signed it. Szydlowski adds, "We both had to give breath tests. He did ring to check I was all right."

I have to say that this probably wasn't the optimum situation for Orlando to give someone his autograph...Although If I was mown down in the middle of the street by Orlando Bloom I probably wouldn't just want his autograph..I'd blackmail him into letting me swap lives with him...I'd lock him in a dungeon while I got paid $992834892355467 dollars to pout on top of a horse and shake my lustrous hair...

So you better look out Orlando..the next time you back out of your driveway without looking and someone leaps out in front of your car, that someone will be me...

Also, in future may I suggest an alternative form of transport?



Much better...

SURI HOLMES CRUISE IS BORN!

Oh my gosh! It finally happened..Katie Holmes exploded! Well, she gave birth at least. A little baby girl named "Suri", meaning "Princess" in Hebrew or "Red Rose" in Persian..and I'm guessing "Scientology's biggest future donor" in Scientology language was born at 3am on Tuesday. According to TomKat's publicist the mother and baby are doing well and Suri weighed 7 lbs 7 oz and was 20 inches in length.

Earlier in the week Tom stated that he would be eating the placenta after Katie gave birth. "I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I'm going to eat the cord and the placenta right there."

I just have this image of poor Suri being ushered into a world where her mother is silent and won't speak to her for 7 days and her father devouring her afterbirth. Hopefully it will all be uphill for her from here...

Congratulations Tom and Katie...and RUN Suri RUN!

Mariah frolics again...

How on earth could I have forgotten to post these? Oh that's right...because I was too busy scouring my eyes and disinfecting myself with bleach. I swear, if there is any goodness in this world I will never have to see absurdly posed photos of Mariah pissing about on the beach totally "unaware" of photographers.

Yes, I know when I'm on the beach and not being photographed I stick large pink butterflies just above my ass, romp with a puppy and splash myself with water while giggling like a schoolgirl.

But at least I do it in a bikini that fits...









She looks like a claymation figure come to life...hopefully she will be attacked by a giant dinosaur made of play-doh soon...

The week in Lohan!

This week has been a busy week in the world of Lohan. First she reunited with old starving, smoking and snorting buddy Kate Moss..and debuted her red hair again! HOORAY! I have to say I think she looks the best she has in a long time. It also looks as if she has gained some weight again. Her appearance changes every day literally.





Then Lohan's wax figure was revealed at Madame Tussaud's.





She kind of looks like a mixture of a peregrine falcon and the wicked witch of the West. Maybe that's what they were going for? Plus you know that in a few weeks she will have either gained or lost 40 pounds, got some more work done and a new hair colour..so it's kind of pointless anyway.

Lindsay was then allegedly dropped from the new Louis Vuitton ad campaign as her appeal was too "American". The company decided to go with Naomi Campbell instead. Isn't Naomi's appeal a bit too "I'll beat your skank ass down with a phone until your ears bleed bitch!"?

I would say so



Then came the rumours that Lindsay got into a bitchfight with Jessica Simpson at Dime club after Jessica failed to thank Lindsay for some champagne she bought her. Allegedly Lindsay went over to Jessica's table and yelled in her face, calling Jessica "insecure". Saying that Jessica was happy to "talk shit" about her when Ashlee was around, but alone Jessica was "a coward".

Things escalated when Lindsay threatened to take the fight outside after Jessica stated that she didn't want to cause a scene. Onlookers said that Jessica broke down in tears after Lindsay stormed off!

I just love Lindsay even more now! They should broadcast that fight on pay-per-view! My money is on Lindsay all the way, she may be scrawny but she can get into a pub brawl with the best of them. The Lohan is Irish...Don't mess!

Britney shares more than we need!

Ok, so we've all probably seen the bizarre Britney giving birth to SPF statue by now. The statue is by Daniel Edwards and is called Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston..but who really cares? The point is that Britney (or Daniel) clearly has a better impression of Ol' Brit than most people do.

Look at how skinny the rest of her body is while she is pregnant..and there are no Cheetos, Skittles or empty Frappuchino bottles anywhere to be seen! I am also a big fan of the pose. Has ANYONE ever given birth like that? and also..wasn't SPF a C-Section baby?

Anyway I decided not to post about the statue until I had a back view....and here it is....seriously brace yourself...





My eyes! Dear sweet lord MY EYES! She looks like a grazing cow about to birth a calf!

Also, just as a side note does anyone know why there is a frickin bear head on the floor in front of Britney? Isn't that a tad ironic on a PRO-LIFE statue? Think about that one kids...bears have feelings too...

Team Paris or Team Nicole?

The Paris Hilton-Nicole Richie feud has escaled into full-on war. In the latest issue of "Elle" Paris couldn't stop spouting venom about Nicole.

"I've been best friends with her since I was two, but when I brought her on to my show, she got very jealous and turned on me for no reason."

"She cannot stand being around me because I get all the attention and people really don't care about her."

"It breaks my heart. She was my sister. She was the funniest person to be around and then she let the fame go to her head."

"She's not the same person any more. I never want to speak to her again - ever."

Talking about The Simple Life:
"They want to do it with just me, but we're both under contract together. She has nothing else so she really wants to do it, but I don't."

Talking about Nicole's book The Truth About Diamonds:
"It's really pathetic that she needs to use my name to sell something because she's obviously not enough."

If there was ever a literal war between Paris and Nicole I know whose side I would be on...Nicole all the way. Think about it, what does Paris actually do?...

Yeah...not so much...

Nicole on the other hand..you know...

..Well that one time she made a really fat guy wear buttless chaps and then said "That's the sexiest thing I've ever seen!"

It's those kind of things that make me love her.

Plus you know that she may be scrawny but in a war she could beat Paris' ass down with her oversized handbags.

Who is hotter? Spacefish or Nosewiper?

Fergie...



Or Britney...

Personally my vote goes to Fergie..she is like the lovechild of a trout and a klingon...and there is nothing hotter than space fish...you heard it here first

Lindsay Lohan's Freckled Ass!

No, No, Lindsay Lohan didn't bring an unevenly pigmented donkey to the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards..the freckled ass of which I speak was her RUMP..which she exposed to the entire audience when she accepted her award...an audience mainly comprised of young and impressionable kids.

I just have 3 questions for Lindsay Lohan:
1) Why were you going commando when wearing a short dress?
2) Why were you going commando when wearing a short dress at an awards show for children?
3) Why were you going commando when wearing a short dress at an awards show for children when you knew you would be going up on stage?

These are all pertinent questions. I don't have the answers. I just hope that the site of Lindsay Lohan's alabastar buttocks brought some joy into the life of those kids.

Something is very wrong with the world when a bare ass isn't wholesome family entertainment.

Britney Spears: "I'm just fat!"

Britney Spears told Atlanta Magazine this week:

"First of all, I'm not pregnant and second of all I'm sick of being called fat! I am a young mother and I just had a baby! It's very hurtful that people love to put me down." "My husband loves my body and he has no problem with this! I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat! There's nothing wrong with that and if people have a problem with it they can turn their heads!"

That may well be the smartest thing Britney has ever said







Ok, so she knows that she's fat but she continues to drink Venti green tea ice blendeds? Ok, so I know its green tea but its also about 10 cuploads of sugar and cream...no wonder she has so much junk in the trunk!

EDIT: Ooops! Turns out that this article was an April Fools Day prank by MK over at DListed I thought that it was a bit too insightful for old Brit!

Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards 2006

Yes, it's true! I got a last minute invite to the kids choice awards! How excited was I? Let's just say I was about one excitedness point away from losing all bladder control...hmmm..lets move on...I want to say a HUUUUGE thank you to the people that made it possible for me to go..you know who you are..and when I am invited to the semi annual Danny Glover appreciation convention you will be coming right along with me!

So, now I can officially say that I was in the same room as Will Smith, Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff, Bruce Willis, Avril Lavigne, Justin Timberlake, Cameron Diaz, Hugh Jackman, Jessica Alba, Chris Rock, Pink, Chris Brown, Bow Wow, Whoopi Goldberg, Drake Bell and, of course Jack Black! Granted it was an arena..but still...

Jack Black did an AMAZING job of hosting, the whole experience was incredible..although I fear that if I ever hear children singing the Spongebob Squarepants theme again I may have a seizure.

Here is a rundown of all the winners:
   
FAVORITE MOVIE        
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire     
    
FAVORITE MOVIE ACTRESS
Lindsay Lohan    FAVORITE MOVIE ACTOR
Will Smith
    
FAVORITE VOICE FROM AN ANIMATED MOVIE
Chris Rock (Madagascar)    
    
FAVORITE MUSIC GROUP
Green Day    
    
FAVORITE FEMALE SINGER
Kelly Clarkson    

FAVORITE MALE SINGER
Jesse McCartney
    
FAVORITE SONG
Wake Me Up When September Ends (Green Day)    
    
TELEVISION:    
FAVORITE TV SHOW
Drake & Josh    
    
FAVORITE TV ACTRESS
Jamie Lynn Spears  (Zoey 101)    FAVORITE TV ACTOR
Drake Bell (Drake & Josh)
    
FAVORITE CARTOON  
SpongeBob SquarePants    
    
WANNABE AWARD
Chris Rock    
    
SPORTS:    
FAVORITE ATHLETE        
Lance Armstrong    
    
OTHER CATEGORIES:    
FAVORITE VIDEO GAME
Madagascar: Operation Penguin    

FAVORITE BOOK
Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling    

and just some observations that I made of celebrities..cos lets face it...I hardly looked at the stage..I was looking at what Lindsay Lohan was doing in her seat about 98.999% of the time.





Will Smith: is friends with everyone



Hilary Duff: Really needs to stop bringing her sister everywhere. It's getting old.



Haylie Duff: Please stop following Hilary everywhere. It's getting old.



Bruce Willis: Stop attending awards shows for kids.



Jamie Lynn Spears: Stop chewing gum, this isn't a gas station in Kentwood.





Jessica Alba: Stop making every other human on earth look hideous in comparison to you.



Avril Lavigne: Stop rocking the "my hair and skin are merging into the same colour" thing, also known as "Nicole Kidman Syndrome" or "Albino Lab Weasel Disorder"





Lindsay Lohan: Try and look a little bit happier at an awards show for kids..maybe eating something would cheer you up?

At the Nick Kids Choice Awards!!

More details to come...