Teri Hatcher and Ryan Seacrest....WHAT?

According to US Weekly

"Teri Hatcher and American Idol host Ryan Seacrest engaged in an unholy union of lip-mashing on a Malibu beach on March 25, after a lunch of lobster and oysters at a nearby restaurant. Hatcher sported an American Idol baseball cap, which she turned around backwards for their face-sucking session. Who says romance is dead?

�The were immersed,� says an eyewitness, who noticed Hatcher massaging Seacrest�s neck. �Every now and then, they�d embrace.�

�Teri frequently laughed loudly at Ryan�s jokes,� says an onlooker. �They were very animated with each other.�

I'snt this one of the 7 signs of the apocalypse? I certainly hope this romance continues..for the sole reason that I want to make fun of it a LOT more!!

Katie Holmes is going to burst...silently of course...

Katie Holmes celebrated her baby shower at the Scientology Centre in Hollywood recently and afterwards decided to go for a peaceful walk all alone...

oh, and with the 5569255379 paparazzi outside.

There is something very wrong with this picture, either that baby has a very pointy head or Tom forgot to fluff the maxi sized pillow before stuffing it down Katie's top.

In other TomKat news, Katie is said to be preparing herself for her Scientology style birth..Scientology deems that women must give birth in complete silence..

You can tell that this religion was made up by a total idiot. I'd like to see L. Ron Hubbard stay silent while he tried to push a watermelon out of his colon. I genuinely feel quite sorry for Katie, I bet she didn't really know what she was getting herself into with all those Scientology freaks

Although it did look like she had a moment of realisation recently..



I love this picture..It's as if she is thinking "what the hell have I done???"

For more information on the truth behind Scientology visit Operation Clambake at www.xenu.net

Keira turns 21!

Keira Knightley celebrated her 21st birthday this week with a party in London that apparently involved dressing up in 20s flapper gear, looking like a genetic clone of Winona Ryder and getting her guests to wear pig masks.





The party was apparently pretty debauched..if that is even a word. I never pegged Keira for the type to enjoy wearing masks of farmyard animals..but I would let her dress me as a pig if she wanted.

Hell, I would let her dress me up like Pippi Longstocking and make me perform scenes from The Sound of Music as she pelted me with rotten vegetables if it made her happy...

Ok, so that was a trip into my psyche that none of you asked for.

So here are some more pictures that will hopefully erase that hideous image that is seared into your brain...

My wild, wierd and very surreal weekend...

Let me just preface this by saying I know I haven't posted in ages..but you will totally forgive me when you hear what my weekend was like. Also I know I don't normally post about myself...but this is all too good to miss...

My weekend started out going to the Premiere for the movie "Adam and Steve" starring Parker Posey and some other people that I don't care about becuase they aren't Parker Posey...



The movie was genuinely one of the wierdest films I have ever seen, and not wierd in a good way...It literally segwayed from scenes of someone crapping on the floor to heavy conversations about 9/11...I wish I was kidding but I'm not.

Save your money and go see V for Vendetta instead..at least you get to see things BLOW UP instead of things BLOW OUT of someones ass.

Then on Saturday night me and a friend hit up Privilege on Sunset...after an HOUR AND A HALF WAIT IN LINE (how exclusive can a club be?) We got inside. There we mingled with the..ahem..A List likes of Tara "how much alcohol can my body hold?" Reid and Mickey "How much surgery can my face take?" Rourke.



For some reason every time I looked at Tara I thought of a wolverine..I realise that there is no logical explanation for this..I just thought you would like to know that if Tara Reid was an animal she would be a wolverine..a wolverine that rummages through trash cans for leftover bottles of beer...

..somehow we were mistaken for VIPS and ended up at a Private party downstairs where midgets dressed as KISS were performing..again I wish I was kidding. Is that really what stars find entertaining..midget rockers? Anyway, the thought of me being a VIP made me laugh so much..I took the damn bus to get to the club..the LA city bus..where a man was trying to eat a pair of gloves. VIP my aunt fanny.

Then on Sunday I went for lunch at Chateau Marmont, which is honestly one of the nicest places I have ever been, such a little tranquil haven in the middle of L.A. I can see why stars want to live there. We ate a few tables away from Anna Faris




She is sooo cute in real life, I just couldn't get over how different she is to Cindy in the Scary Movie series..to be expected I suppose...

So from midgets, to glove eating bus passengers to a drunken Tara Reid...that was my weekend and I hope there are many more just like it to come!

Jodie Marsh transgresses racial boundaries

There were two very big shockers...i said shockers...at the premiere of Basic Instinct 2 in London. The first, that Jodie Marsh appeared to be wearing clothing..a step up from her candy bikinis and strategically placed belts.

More interesting is the extent to which Jodie has taken her tanning...if I saw her in the street I wouldn't quite know what race she was...

..maybe she is making a poignant statement about our quickness to base our value judgements on racial stereotypes?

...or maybe she just likes exposing her crispy nipples?

Jessica Alba in FHM

Jessica Alba decided to do the entire world a favour recently by posing for UK FHM magazine.

Surely these pictures alone are proof that there is a god....

WHAT THE EFF?

When I saw these pictures I didn't even know who this was...its Anna freaking Kournakova!!

Why do beautiful girls feel the need to lose so much weight..seriously...she was so beautiful and this was so uneccessary...

If i was Enrique I would be feeding her ass double malt milkshakes and krispy kremes...

Emma Watson is a lush

Normally I would berate Emma Watson and educate her about the ills of underage drinking..but fighting the forces of evil must take it out of you....

Plus if I had to work with Daniel Radcliffe I'd be getting wrecked after work too...

Britney Spears: Oh the horror!

Sienna Miller impersonates another Eastender

Not content with looking like Pat Butcher, Sienna Miller decided that she wanted to mix it up and look like another Eastenders cast member...can you guess who?



Again, its an elderly woman with bleached hair....



Its....



PAULINE FOWLER

Sienna Miller tries to kill Keira Knightley

Ok, so I have sat idly by while Sienna Miller (a.k.a the human weasel) has infiltrated the celebsphere for absolutely no reason, I've listened while she complained about being a celebrity when no-one wants her to be one anyway and endured her while she runs sweatshops in Ethiopia to make her fur gilets and floppy hats...

...ok that was a lie, but lets face it she's annoying. But now she has taken things to far. Apparently now she has become friends with Keira Knightley (a.k.a god). The two hung out at Chateau Marmont in L.A. last week. Sienna allegedly comforted Keira who was upset after the press had swarmed her as she left the Ivy restaurant.

I don't want Weasely McWeasel trying to weasel up to Keira and contaminate her with her weasel germs. Keira watch out when you are hanging out with her, she is probably finding some weasely way to trip you up or accidentally have a chandelier drop on you... thats what weasels do.

What are you shocked at how many times I called Sienna a weasel? Well here I'll do it again..weasel, weasel, weasel.

78th Annual Academy Awards

So, this year was my first year celebrating the Academy Awards in Hollywood and it was awesome. This years Oscars were the most enjoyable in a long time...so so many comedic moments to feast upon. Some of my faves were;

1) Jon Stewart's presenting...soooo funny
2) The campaign skits..yes..Keira is anointed with "god dust".
3) Jennifer Garner's near fall..come on..you all wanted it to happen
4) Larry McMurty wearing jeans and generally being odd
5)Charlize Theron's bow...just because..

Anyway let's get down to it..here are the winners of the night. I have to say I was very very surprised by some of the wins. No acting awards for "Brokeback Mountain"..kind of a shame. CRASH won best picture!!??!! I would never have predicted that, i thought there was more chance of a rap posse singing about pimps winning best original song..oh wait..that happened...

I have to say I am very upset that Munich did not win any awards, it really is an incredible movie..I think there is a lot of political positioning at play there.

Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role
George Clooney
SYRIANA


Achievement in Visual Effects
KING KONG
Joe Letteri, Brian Van't Hul, Christian Rivers and Richard Taylor


Best Animated Feature Film of the Year
WALLACE & GROMIT IN THE CURSE OF THE WERE-RABBIT
Nick Park and Steve Box


Best Live Action Short Film
SIX SHOOTER
Martin McDonagh


Best Animated Short Film
THE MOON AND THE SON: AN IMAGINED CONVERSATION
John Canemaker and Peggy Stern


Achievement in Costume Design
MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
Colleen Atwood


Achievement in Makeup
THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE
Howard Berger and Tami Lane


Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role
Rachel Weisz
THE CONSTANT GARDENER


Best Documentary Short Subject
A NOTE OF TRIUMPH: THE GOLDEN AGE OF NORMAN CORWIN
Corinne Marrinan and Eric Simonson


Best Documentary Feature
MARCH OF THE PENGUINS
Luc Jacquet and Yves Darondeau


Achievement in Art Direction
MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
John Myhre (Art Direction); Gretchen Rau (Set Decoration)


Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures (Original Score)
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
Gustavo Santaolalla


Achievement in Sound Mixing
KING KONG
Christopher Boyes, Michael Semanick, Michael Hedges and Hammond Peek


Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures (Original Song)
"IT'S HARD OUT HERE FOR A PIMP" FROM HUSTLE & FLOW
Music and Lyric by Jordan Houston, Cedric Coleman and Paul Beauregard


Achievement in Sound Editing
KING KONG
Mike Hopkins and Ethan Van der Ryn


Best Foreign Language Film of the Year
TSOTSI
South Africa


Achievement in Film Editing
CRASH
Hughes Winborne


Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role
Philip Seymour Hoffman
CAPOTE


Achievement in Cinematography
MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
Dion Beebe


Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role
Reese Witherspoon
WALK THE LINE


Adapted Screenplay
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
Screenplay by Larry McMurtry & Diana Ossana


Original Screenplay
CRASH
Screenplay by Paul Haggis & Bobby Moresco; Story by Paul Haggis


Achievement in Directing
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
Ang Lee


Best Motion Picture of the Year
CRASH
Paul Haggis and Cathy Schulman

But of course what everyone really cares about are the clothes!



Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams. Michelle was hands down the best dressed of the evening..she looked so beautiful, classic Hollywood glamour with a modern twist.



Ziyi Zhang...stunning as usual



Jennifer Aniston...meh...



Keira Knightley..as much as I love her I think she didn't look too great. Her hair is way too light and the dress did nothing for her...bring back super hot dark haired Keira!



Uma Thurman...Beautiful



Rachel Weisz..boring and fat...i mean pregnant..whatever.



Salma Hayek....HOOOOOT



Ryan Philippe and Reese Witherspoon...like the human versions of orphan puppies...too cute and adorable



Jake Gyllenhaal..he was robbed! Very classic choice of tux



Jessica Alba...Bronzed goddess..



Naomi Watts...Shredded nightgown



Dolly Parton...there are no words..



Felicity Huffman...she looked really good!



and finally Charlize and that bow. I honestly thought it was going to swallow her head..

If you don't think it's too bad just wait for the close up...



HOLY MOTHER!